In reply to "to lpc1998" by mirin
lpc1998 - 12:56am May 20, 2001 SGT (188.8.131.52.1.1)
Marriage Can Be A High-risk Venture.
“After reading your postings, how I wished my mom had taught me all these marriage and preventive measures for extra-marital affair - school of thoughts, before I get married. On the other hand, if given a chance to turn back the clock, I had grasped all these knowledge at that point of time, I'd ponder long enough to give a second thought of not marrying at all.”It is true that getting married is a serious matter. A person, especially a girl, should know what he/she is getting into and what to do what things go wrong. If, in such a situation, the likely reactions were from Reactions 1 to 7 as stated in my posting, Adultery does not break marriages, or inflicting self injuries, then it is better not to get married. The consequences are too severe for a very high-risk venture.
“To what I see marriage is a subtle and yet complex gamble. If one chooses to play it safe, it is better not to play at all, i.e. stay single. Mythology extra-marital affairs can happen to any married couple, just like crossing the road looking left and right, back and front, still has the probability of ill-fate accident befall one. The merging of two lives into one must first set family values and rules. No late nights, call home everyday while one on overseas business trips, know all his/her friends and colleagues, good relationship with in-laws, get to have access to all his mails, check any strands of "foreign" hair or lingering scent of "foreign" perfume in his car.... Wake-up-call can be one's unusual behavior, question about his new necktie, new shirt. On the contrary, all these hypervigilance can cause one to have nervous breakdown. Vice-grip on all his/her activities is not healthy.”You are right. There is no way one can play safe in marriage. However, the popular sentiment of ‘the merging of two lives into one’ is a malignant mythology that breeds carelessness and complacency. After the marriage ceremony, the lives involved remain two separate and distinct lives. There is, in fact, no merging at all. The couple needs all the love and care they have for each other to keep the marriage healthy.
You are also right that the rules of hypervigilance as stated by you are extremely unhealthy for the couple physically as well as for their marriage.
“Women are born to have sensitive intuition. If there's any tell tale sign, she can sense it immediately. However, if one's crafty spouse is out to cheat on her that will be her fate. To avoid such fate a couple should build a trusting, healthy strong bond relationship.”To see the problem as one crafty spouse out to cheat his/her partner is not only untrue, but also unhealthy for the couple physically as well as for their marriage. The question of cheating does not arise at all because the problem is known before the marriage. It is more of a situation where two people have decided to sail together into the stormy sea of life believing that they do form a winning team or just to take a calculated risk for the love of each other.