lpc1998's Home

Original Posting
In reply to "to lpc1998" by mirin

lpc1998 - 01:21am May 20, 2001 SGT (59.1.2.1.1.2.2)
Some Common Misunderstandings.

I said earlier on:

“You have asked a very good question. Then, why does the wife leave her old man alone with such irresistible temptations? At best, she seems to think only about her shopping with her children and nothing else. At worse, it could be a clever way of getting rid of the old, irritable, unbearable partner after the children have sufficiently grown up with good divorce terms and plenty of sympathy from friends, family and society. So we need to know more about facts and circumstances of the two cases you mentioned and the intentions of the parties involved. Otherwise, we may end up placing our sympathies in the wrong places or with the wrong people. Too many marriages are already dead after 5 years and too many couples are quarrelling like dogs and cats.”
You replied:
“In a marital dispute, outsiders will never really get the true story of the breakup. Anyway, it's not easy for her to overcome this emotional upheaval. She has aged a lot since the divorce. It's not about money and children, it's the emotional betrayal that gnaws at her self-esteem.”
You are right to say that “outsiders will never really get the true story of the breakup.” However, outsiders may know the likelihood of a marriage breaking up from the current state of the marriage and from the degree of care the couple are giving to their marriage. The post-marriage behaviours of the ex-couple may also be revealing as to the intentions of the parties.

As regards “the emotional betrayal that gnaws at her self-esteem”, this is precisely part of the subject matter of my original posting, “The Agonizing Depth of Misunderstanding”. The misunderstandings are in the following areas:

1 The risks of the husband’s extra-marital affair could have been substantially reduced, if there have been more care for the marriage, and less complacency. Many steps leading to the affair could have been avoided, neutralized or reduced.

2 The wife’s feeling of ‘emotional betrayal’ is more cultural and/or subjective than objective. The husband was being overwhelmed by natural forces from which he stood very little chance. It is more a situation of being unable to resist the libido than his intention to betray his wife. His love for his wife and children is often very inadequate in such a situation.

3 The wife’s feeling of diminished ‘self-esteem’ is both unnecessary and inappropriate. That she is sexually less attractive than young women her daughter’s age is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. And so is the degree of sexual satisfaction the young women can render her partner. There is absolutely no rational reason for her to feel ‘diminished’ in any way. Her pain on this account is wholly needless. A better understanding of the situation could have spared her the agony.

Best Regards