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Original Posting
In reply to "Thank you [ 1pc1998 ] for a very insightful posting " by shamy

lpc1998 - 10:44pm May 16, 2001 SGT (
The Winning Team.

Thank you, [shamy]

You said:

“I agree with you that both partners in a marriage must work hard to keep the marriage . A wife who drops her vigilance and gives ample opportunities for her husband to encounter a fling is also responsible for co-creating an unhappy marriage.And vice-versa. Adultery is also co-created by both partners.”
Yes, both partners must work hard to sustain and nourish the marriage. However, it is less like a police officer watching a suspected thief, but more like the partners in a badminton doubles, capitalizing on the strength or covering the weaknesses of each other. A successful team is likely to be one where the partners understand each other well than the one where each player plays his own game in his own way without understanding the strength and weaknesses of his partner. Similarly, a successful marriage is likely to be one where the partners help each other to maximize each other's potential and to steer each other away from trouble.

You said:

“My friend went to China on an assignment.He had a beautiful Chinese tutor to teach him Mandarin.They ended up as lovers.His wife was the last person to know.And when she discovered that her husband was having an affair, she stuck to her husband like glue.She forgave him.Blamed herself partly for the unfortunate affair.And they stayed married - in fact, more loving now than ever before.

But how many wives will partly blame themselves for their husbands' unfaithfulness ? It takes alot of introspection and maturity to really understand the social dynamics of adultery……..”

Your friend may be lucky and we hope he is. His wife's fast recovery action may have saved the marriage for the time being, but there is already a fine crack line in the marriage like that on a porcelain rice bowl. It may not withstand another drop on the floor. Your friend must understand this, if he values his marriage. He has to avoid situations where he can be overwhelmed.

You said:

“….. And in this fast-paced modern world, the woman can also be the charming adulteress.A husband who is not vigilant and who is indifferent to the crying needs of his wife will also face similar problems.”
People with desirable attributes are often targeted by other people who desire those attributes. This is understandable. What is incomprehensible is when their own spouses act to tear down their defences.

You said:

“And that feeling of emptiness when kids have grown up is also another co-factor in an unhappy marriage.In fact, many studies have shown that couples who cherish each other during this twilight phase are falling in love all over again - with greater passion than before. And they enjoy better sex than their atheletic years.My good Prof2 Gong will not agree to it certainly.”
The emptiness you mentioned above is because the kids have occupied the entire life of the parent including the space meant for his spouse. So when the kids move out, they leave behind a complete void in the life of the parent. Had the space meant for the spouse remained occupied by the spouse then when the kids move out, only the space occupied by kids will be void, but that occupied by the spouse would not be so. So whether there are kids or not, you must always have room for your spouse in your life.

Sex is not so important in the lives of the elderly couples. If they enjoy it and were mutually capable of it, then it is a bonus. It is the emotional bonds and the understanding and faith in each other that are crucial. If these are not properly and securely developed over the years, they may have serious troubles not only staying married to, but also living with, each other.

Best Regards